round the mulberry bush

Well I am feeling much better. My motivation seems to have returned and I have done many of the things on my can’t be arsed list. I reckon it was okay to have a blip, after the shite stuff that has happened.

Me and Rumple are still really looking at whether we should move next year. It’s a big step and I worry about relocating the kids just incase they hated it, but nothing ventured nothing gained I suppose.

My friends sister in law moved to Australia with her 3 kids last year. Says its the best thing they ever did. If they can manage to move all that way, then surely me and Rumple and the piggies could manage somewhere like the Isle of Wight???

I am moaning again, so you can stop reading here if you like…..

I am really pissed off. I don’t feel depressed as such in the way that it normally manifests itself. I’m not sad and crying..I just feel heavy and my motivation to do anything has disappeared. I can sit here and type this, thats fine. But the thought of getting dressed, going out of the house or getting on with the numerous things that need sorting just seem huge.

Things I need to do :

1.Clean out the guinea pig

2. Go out of the house and get some bits and also post some letters.

3. Sort out my student loan stuff.

4.Dye my hair.

5.Tackle the huge mountain of washing

6. Clean the oven out cos something has burned in there and it seems to be producing shit loads of smoke whenever I try and cook anything.

7.Catch up on emails and stuff that people have sent.

8.Get the rest of the kids uniforms sorted.

9.Finish my reflective essay.

10.Do some work on medication that my mentor asked for, for when i go back to placement.

There is not any of the above that I feel like achieving today. Maybe just the guinea pig.

Also, I want to move away from this shitty city. This obviously wouldn’t be possible until I have qualified. That kind of gives me hope cos at the moment I feel completely trapped here. When I consider the logisitics of moving away though, it seems huge, and then impossible and then I feel even more trapped.

I am also disproportionately tired for the little I am doing. Its a proper struggle getting out of bed in the mornings despite having had a good 9 or 10 hours sleep. The thought of a “same old” day adds to the burden of waking up.

Yesterday we also found out that Rumples job is on the line yet again. He finds out on September the 24th (which is incidentally middle piggies birthday) whether he is being offloaded. There are 4 carpenters at the moment and they are getting rid of 2.

I am sick of all the hurdles. I know that everybody has them, but I feel like we have had millions in the last few months. Surely we are due a lucky break.

Moan over…now i have to find something else to do to avoid doing 1-10.

Big piggy went to his dads…as described in my last post. Since then, things have been very difficult. When he was here recovering, I phoned his dad and stepmum every day just tolet them know how he was getting on. I haven’t heard a sausage from them since he’s been there. Okay..not too much of a problem. Big piggy has his own mobile so I have phoned him on that. Disasterous.

Yesterday when I spoke to him, he really couldn’t be arsed to speak to me and was really off and replied in monosyllables, with underlying tones of annoyance. At the end of the conversation I said quite sarcastically “sorry mate, am I disturbing you?”..rather hurtfully he said yes. 2Oh, I’ll go then” said I…”bye then!” he replied and put the phone down.

I phoned him again today. He was pissed off cos I had woken him (at 11am)..again…I did all the talking, asking him how he was and making sure he had been taking it easy…more monosyllables and a general sense that he didn’t want to speak to me. I asked if he didn’t like me phoning or something. He replied that it was annoying. Conversation killer. He ended up putting the phone down without even saying goodbye.

I am gutted.

Normally when he goes over to his dads, i don’t contact him atall. It’s their time. I have been so worried about him though, that this time, I have called every day. To be snubbed.

During the course of this so called conversation, he told me that they had a bbq last night. I know that bbq’s at his dads usually involve many of his friends, all getting leathered. He is also going out for a meal this afternoon. He was told that he needs to really take it easy for the next few weeks. Maybe I am being overcautious but that doesnt seem like rest or recovery to me.

The whole situation has really saddened me. I am being made to feel like I am an annoyance..when all I am is concerned about my child. Also, bearing in mind that he had fallen out with his dad the week before his innards popped because his dad kept letting him down. Now because he has behaved how me and Rumple behave EVERY DAY of our parenting lives, by supporting piggy…he is the hero.

I spoke to Pippy about it earlier and said that all this just makes me want to move away when i qualify..not dead far, just to another part of the country. She quite rightly pointed out that piggy would probably say that he would stay here with his dad. His dad rubs off on him terribly and he is a complete prat if the truth be known.

I don’t know what to do, what I do know is that I feel like shit

Big Piggy went to stay at his dads for a couple of days today. He is recovering really well, and despite not being able to run around and all that jazz, he is nearly back to normal. I miss him terribly already and I am inexplicably gutted that he has gone over and I keep wanting to blart.

I know he will be fine physically. He wanted to go across there, probably for a change of scenery which I can understand…but I just feel really really sad

Our friends are coming round tonight for a bottle of wine though so that should take my mind of it all. Emotionally this week has been the worst.

Thank God he is okay now though

I have deleted the last post where I slated big piggies dad, in light of the fact that what has happened in the past week makes such gripes seem far less pressing…

For about the last 3 months or so, big piggy has had about 5 days where he has been sick as a hog for a few hours and then perked up with no further symptoms. He did complain a few times about having a stomach ache and asked me whether I thought it was appendicitis. On occassion, I have looked through my medical books and reassured him that it wasn’t, and that he had probably strained his stomach muscles from retching…..

…on Thursday night, piggies appendix ruptured.

It was dreadful.

He had been sick all day again. I wasn’t too concerned cos I put it down to being a bit of a tummy bug. By that evening, he was complaining of the stomach ache and again I told him that it wasn’t appendicitis. In the end I phoned the doctor who said that it might be an idea to get him to A&E. By the time we got there, he was so ill. In the hour or so from when I phoned the doctor to when we got the hospital, he deteriorated rapidly. He was a grey/yellow colour..sweating, shaking uncontrollably, his BP was really low. He was not good.

All of the staff involved were brilliant. They admitted him that night and he had surgery Friday morning. Apparently, his insides were a right old mess…manky stuff everywhere. He was in theatre for 2 hours while they tried to clean him out as best as they good. It was the longest 2 hours of my life. Seeing him being put to sleep was also horrendous. He was so brave. I wasn’t…I cried like a baby when we left the room. He was really poorly when he came out…morphined out of his head for 2 days and he had also had to have an abdominal drain.

He was discharged yesterday..or maybe the day before (days have rolled into one). He was meant to be in until today, but his IV nastiness fell out, so instead of trying to get another line in, the doctor said he would be able to have oral antibiotics, seeing as he was recovering so well. It was lovely to have him home.

In a strange turn of events, his dad and stepmum have really stepped up to the mark, taking it in turns with us to be atthe hospital, and to sleep over and stuff. I am hoping that this will be the end of the  superficial and temperemental  relationship we have had with them for ages now. It so much better for piggy if we all pull together. They have been coming here to see him and staying for ages. We’ve all been getting on well which is good.

It has been awful to see my little boy in such a state. I have also felt really guilty that I didn’t take him seriously when he was telling me how bad he felt. For some strange reason, and I really don’t know how this experience has brought this about, I have started to wonder whether mental health nursing is the right option for me. I am confident that this feeling will pass. Its maybe due to having had so much time off over the summer, having put my coursework on hold, and not giving it a second thought obviously whilst piggy has been in the hospital. I suppose also that something big like this makes you re-evaluate things in your life. What piggy went through was really serious and dangerous..the outcome could have been disasterous

On a positive note, this experience has really brought home the importance and strength of my little family unit,and also the fact that as long as we have each other, things like debt and all that shite really don’t matter :)

My day started off quite well…productive infact. I had an assessment of need at Uni. I am classed as disabled, what with my mental health issues and all. Means that I may be getting a nice little package of goodies to help me with my studies, including a posh dictaphone on which I can record all things non-uni related for the purpose of comedy. I get the report from my assessment within 3 weeks and then the NHS will decide whether I am a worthy cause.

From there on in, it went downhill. Being in debt up to my hair shafts mean that I often receive shitty letters from people who want my non-existent wonga. Today was no different. I have spent the afternoon trying to sort out all that nonsense. Has been quite disheartening really. Especially when I discovered that at the rate I am clearing the debts at the moment…I will be out of teh doggy doo by October 2022. Marvellous.

 I popped into placement after having my assessment. That was nice. However I found out that one of the clients I had been working closely with before I broke up for the summer holiday got admitted last week. That’s sad. She’s not long been discharged.

Did anybody else used to say “ip dip dogshit” at school by the way? it was a spin on “eenie meenie minie mo”