round the mulberry bush

I am coming to the end of my placement now. I leave next Friday. I don’t want to. I love it. It will be nice to be able to doss a bit more when I go back to Uni (until the heaps of coursework starts), but I will miss this place so much. I have now got my own mini case load of  5 people, and I am really enjoying myself.

It was a bit hairy and scary today. My mentor has a client who has anorexia nervosa. it is probable that she has an underlying personality disorder, but they are primarily trying to treat her eating disorder. She sent suicidal texts today to her family. She has a history of overdose. There was a real chance that she was at home and had attempted suicide, so before calling the police, my mentor arranged to meet her mum with the spare key and razzed over there.

It was nervewracking going in. Also very surreal. I was racking my brains to remember her address so that we could call an ambulance if needed and also panicking as to whether I remembered CPR, just incase. When we learnt CPR, we practised on a simulated doll and found it funny. This wan’t funny. It was very real.

She wasn’t there. It took the rest of the afternoon to track her down. She was very very distressed when they finally made contact, but less intent on dying than she had been. Very sad

I have had really good day today. Surprising really seeing as I have spent most of it going from one meeting to another.

First off was a meeting on the maternity ward regarding one of the teams clients who is due to give birth in 3 weeks. She was diagnosed with Schizophrenia about 10 years ago, and has some issues with anger and outbursts, although these seem to be always directed towards her mum and nobody else.

There have been big child protection meetings because the client was very honest and expressed worries that she might hurt the baby. These fears may well turn out to be groundless, but obviously social services have to deal with it very seriously. The social workers were really lovely and very sensitive with her, I liked them a lot.

This mornings meeting was to put a plan in place to manage any risks, provide appropriate support etc. I wasn’t that impressed. It was as if they were being asked to admit hannibal lecter to the ward. Well not quite, but there was a fair bit of presumption based on little knowledge of mental illness I felt. Despite being told the facts etc, they were still very prickly. As an aside, they also seemed really surprised to hear that this lady has been to university..whats all that about?? its a worry that if healthcare professionals hold these strange misconceptions then what chance do you have with joe bloggs??? then again, i do know that i really get on my soapbox about stigma, prejudice and exclusion…so i know i might have been ultra sensitive about it.

They said that they had very little idea about mental illness. It’s “not their speciality”….Fair enough, I am sure that by next year I will still have little understanding of obstetrics. However, given the number of women who are mentally unwell and have babies, or those that develop mental ill health during or after pregnancy, I was a bit shocked really.

Bit of an eye opener. What was very good though was that as I walked up the corridor, I went past the rooms with all those gorgeous tiny babies in. That was lovely. I think theres a really nice atmosphere on maternity wards.

I did another Risperdal Consta this afternoon. Thats 3 of those that I’ve done now, and another 2 “normal” depots. I don’t mind doing them whatsoever now… I never thought I would get over my fear of needles, so thats very cool.

There is only 2 weeks and 2 days left on this placement..I will miss it very much, I’m having a brilliant time and loving every minute

I went to drop some books off to Pippy this afternnon. Whilst I was there I jumped on the scales. I don’t have any here, so I haven’t weighed myself for a few months. I knew I had put on a few pounds but have had a bit of a shock. In the last couple of months I have gained 2 stone…2 STONE!!!!!!!!

what a pisser.

I have a shit relationship with food I know. During my therapy, my lovely lady said that she felt that I had big issues with compulsive overeating. I agreed with that and kind of knew what it was all about at the time. Food was my comforter, big time. However now that I have gained some resolve and closure on my issues, I still have an unhealthy relationship with food.

I need to eat healthily and do some more exercise. I know that……although I really find it the hardest thing to do. Near impossible.

I don’t judge my worth on how I look on the outside anymore, which I used to do a lot. Even when I was really slim in my late teens, I thought my body was disgusting. I now genuinely think that I am much much more than a figure, but I do want to lose weight, cos I feel uncomfortable being this size.

I was watching something the other day and Nancy Sorrell (mrs. vic reeves) had to say which she would rather lose….her intelligence, her figure or her sense of humour. She said that she would rather lose her intelligence. I wouldnt. Although dropping  a stone or two would be great.

…because I can’t be arsed. So I am no longer pissed off about the events of the other day. I still think it was out of order, but have spouted, analysed and categorised the situation in my ever anally retentive way

Me and Rumple watched a really good film last night. We ate a box of thorntons aswell in celebration of Valentines day (which I think is a right old swizz). We watched “Cass”. It based on the story of Cass Pennant, who was a big football hooligan in the 1980s and now has his own publishing company and has written a few books. It was very interesting. Cass was adopted in the 50’s (i think) by a white couple (Cass is black). It gave you a glimpse of the racist shit that him and his family put up with. It was horrible. I really admired his parents.

 Cass Pennant was a scary scary man, but the film kind of showed how and why he ended up on that path. Twas fascinating. I like films like that. Probably cos I am so interested in how someones background shapes the person they are and the experiences they have.

I have also written a list of the books that I am going to start buying next week in preperation for going back to Uni. I found it quite exciting (geek). I really am going to need some more bookshelves though, the house is heaving with books, but I can’t bear to part with any of them, even those that I have read and thought were naff.

I’ve got an interesting week lined up, with ward rounds and meetings to go to, and some depots aswell I think. Cool.

This eve I am mad cross. I won’t bore you with the ins and outs cos it would take hours. The basics are that there has been an issue with my Mum whereby I have been left feeling accused of being the mother of satans spawn, who quite happily turns a blind eye whilst they run amok. I have got quite thick skin when it comes to anything else, but not when it comes to the piggies.

I constantly examine myself as a mother and worry about getting it right. I think I’m doing okay. They know they are loved, cos when i tell them they say “we knoooow mum, you alllllways tell us!!!” and although I accept that they are boisterous and outspoken at times, I am safe in the knowledge that if they are not happy with something, they will have no qualms about saying.

I am really offended on behalf of myself and my children…..but don’t quite know where to go with it….

On a happier note…another good week on placement. I think that I had better make the most of it. The timetable for next term, beginning March 9th is up online. We are in Monday and Tuesday all day and then Wednesady morning. Not too bad atall. What is bad is that not only do we have an essay, we have a 40 minute presentation…which is marked. I hate that idea.

Presentations usually make me nervous. I think that since presenting the assessment of clients in the case management meetings on placement, I should be much better about it. That was well nerveracking as I waited for my turn, but once I got into it, it was absolutely fine. What does worry me is that the groups we are in are picked for us. Thats shit.

We had a presentation to do last term. It wasnt marked. There was 5 people in my group. Only 3 of us did the work, so it sounded like a load of old bollocks, cos their sections and slides for the powerpoint were missing, making it all sound a bit nonsensical. If that happens this time,. I will be really pissed off, cos I don’t want to risk failing cos some people in my group are lazy and/or dobbins.

Anyway, I have ranted enough for one day. I think I am going to go and see the RMN at uni soon. She is very cool and easy to talk to. Seeing as I am feeling very overwhelmed, I think that would be a good idea. Plus she’s paid to listen to me going on!!

It has been a heavy week on placement. One of the clients hung herself at the weekend. It came out of the blue because although she was ill, her risk of suicide had remained consistently fairly low. From what we have heard, it looks as though it was planned, not an accident or a parasuicide gone wrong. Terribly terribly sad.

The CPN who was her care co-ordinator has been devastated. Understandably. She is lovely. She has been a nurse for 31 years and this is her first suicide. Apparently, the “average” for a community mental health team is two suicides a year.

What has been reinforced this week though, is what a brilliant team they are. They have been so supportive of the CPN. It has been fantastic. One of the nurses talked to me about it aswell. I didn’t know the client, but I think she recognised that I might find it a bit heavy. I thought that was really good of her.

The big bosses have been round today to start the investigation. They were very official in their suits with all their paperwork and stuff. Quite intimidating really. The CPN has no blame in the situation. She did everythig that was required of her in terms of this ladys care, and more. She has still spent the last couple of days going over and over the last conversation that she had with this lady, picking it apart to see if she missed any “clues”.

She last spoke to her on Friday and the lady was dead by Saturday. Must be pretty mindblowing. Quite possibly I will encounter a situation like this in my career. Daunting.

This post is inspired by the extremely embarrassing situation that lovely Lola found herself in ..http://operationlola.wordpress.com/2009/02/07/cant-flirt-wont-cook/ (sorry, i can’t get it to do a simple link type wotsit)..Very funny indeed.

I have done many embarrassing things in my 32 years. The one that stands out is “the dance class incident”.

This occurred when I was about 14…a very fragile time in ones life, I’m sure you will agree, where egos and self-esteem are built and shattered. I had gone along to a dance class with my cousin. I felt a complete twat  bit out of place. These were professional type dancers, in lycra and legwarmers and looking very stage school. They were also in their early twenties…which was ancient to me in those days. Very sophisticated.

I was really really skinny at that age (unbelievable now really) not like the rest of the class who were toned and lythe….and I must have looked like a proper gilbert in my school leotard and tracksuit (complete with elastic that went underneath my plimsols)… Anyway, towards the end they were doing these stretching exercises on those mat things. I was doing some sort of stretch and out popped a very large bottom trumpet. Caught me unawares it did.  I was mortified. Everybody else pissed themselves laughing. I wanted to cry and/or disappear. What made it worse was that the instructor shouted very loudly “don’t worry love, we all eat beans” it was AWFUL …even thinking about it now makes me blush!.

I am now half way through my placement. I had my midway interview last week and got some really good feedback which I was  pleased about. I think that working with this team has changed my mind about not ever wanting to work in the community. Although that’s probably because they’re all so nice and work really well together. It’s the best team I’ve ever worked with.

Have had another interesting week. I went to a meeting with the forensic CPN on Wednesday and she talked us through pathways for offenders with mental illness in the criminal justice system. That was good.

Yesterday, I did my third depot. I don’t feel that my technique was very good, infact the first one I did last week was better. The lady said that it didn’t hurt. She bled a little bit though, which although I know logically is normal, made me feel a bit bad.

My mentor gave me the day off on Thursday cause of all the snow. It would have been a bit of a nightmare getting there. It was my first day off what with placement and work, and I was more tired than I have been for ages, stopping and taking a breather nearly killed me off!

Next week me and my mentor are meeting with the clinical psychologist to go through the results of an eating disorder assessment. That will be inetresting. She is also doing a group session on disclosure and boundaries on Tuesday for the team, where you have case studies to discuss etc. Pretty much like what we do at Uni. On Friday, me and the AMHP are going to assess the guy that was sectioned a couple of weeks ago. I am really looking forward. It will be interesting to see if and how his presentation has changed since he was sectioned. I will present that back to the team in case management, and that will be the two presentations required for my practice grid done!

Tis very exciting!