This course is going so quickly. It doesnt seem like long ago that I was getting ready to go to my last placement. I’m quite looking forward to it. Not sure how I will find community though, cause I quite like the environment when working on inpatients. I like the whole hospital malarky. If I hate it though, it’s only 4 weeks, and I probably won’t…its all good learning experience.
I wonder what my second year of training will be like. Whether there will be a massive step up from year one. I have heard that there is lots more academia involved. I was pretty flat out last year so I don’t know what that will be like. I am quite excited about it though. I don’t think I could ever get bored of learning about mental illness. Mind you, we have a research module when we get back. That is my least favourite. Poor Pippy has to do loads of research method related stuff, she is doing a Psychology degree. I like learning about new research and what is the most up to date evidence base, but the rest of it is quite dull. Oh well, if I loved every single thing I do at Uni, I feel I would be rather strange and would be an annoying keeny beany mature student.
I had a message back. Bob told me that I do indeed have an older brother, born in 1969, he hasn’t seen him since 2001, when my paternal grandmother died. At that time, he was living in London, and Bob assumes he is still there. I also have a brother and sister who are younger than me. The sister being 2 years younger and the brother being about 6 years younger. My father remarried after he and my mum split up..these children were the product of that relationship. Unfortunately, Bob informs me that these children were removed and placed in adoption with a family from solihull. My sister has an unusual name, which may make her easier to trace, although I assume that her surname would have changed when she was adopted and also if she has since married, it will be different again.
I do feel that it might be a bit morally unsound for me to try and track these siblings, seeing as they were adopted probably 20 odd years ago. I do however, want to try and track my older brother. He used to come for weekends when I was a baby apparently, and he would have been about 6 or 7 when I was born, so may have a vague recollection of me.
Bob was as helpful as he possibly could have been, he gave me my older brothers mothers name and where he believes she moved to, along with his grandparents name etc. I have to admit, I am a bit disappointed that they are not a closer knit family, whereby contact may have been much easier. Pippy is on the case however and is very good at this type of stuff, having traced her family tree back around 400 years. She is also like a dog with a bone, and refuses to be beaten in terms of leaving mysteries unsolved. My very own personal detective.
I don’t really know what I want to achieve from this..just to make contact really. Even if that’s all it ever is..just a hello.
I also wonder what the reasons were for the younger two being removed. I know that my father was a chronic alcoholic..and I know that he was also quite a nasty person. This is by my mums account of things. However, maybe it is accurate. I think that maybe I got a the best deal out of the 4 children my father had.
It’s a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack, but I shall persevere!
Regarding my earlier post about getting in touch with the man who is infact my uncle…he messaged back this morning. He confirmed that he is Bob, with a sister called Mary and he lives in Berry close. I made all those names up by the way. He said that he didn’t know who I was though. Not in a horrid way..infact he did seem quite pleasant, if you can go by one message.
I have messaged him back, telling him that I am his brothers daughter and that i am getting in touch just because I don’t know a great deal about my fathers family. I also added that I would understand if he didn’t want to reply ’cause it must be a bit weird hearing from me. I sincerely hope he does get back in touch though.
..is what the littlest piggy said to ma-in-law when she kissed him goodbye this morning. I wanted to curl up in a tiny little ball and fade away. She took it quite well really, she just kind of laughed and said “i know”.
How embarrassing.
Kids are well known for the things that they say to completely show you up. The piggies are reknowned (not sure how to spell that) for it though. So much so that it has become a source of amusement amongst my friends that have known them since they were babies.
They are just too honest. When they say stuff, it doesnt come across as being particularly rude most of the time, they are merely stating fact. I don’t want the boys to loose their honest streak. They just need to know how to tame it and use it appropriately. Big piggy is getting the hang of it. The other two aren’t yet.
There have been lots of these situations over the years. Middle piggy asked my dad (who i love dearly, yet has teeth that resemble and explosion at stonehenge), whether his teeth were nice and shiny. For this is middle piggies measure of good dental hygiene. Big piggy asked my mum if she knew that the mole on her neck was growing hairs….
I heaved a bit of a sigh of relief when big piggy realised that you don’t have to be brutally honest ALL of the time. It would appear however that little piggy has the same characteristic. OH DEAR.
When stuff like this happens, I have to wait until the person/persons on the reciving end is gone. if I were to point out to the piggies that they had made the person/persons feel uncomfortable whilst they were still present..it would go something like this..
me:”that wasnt very nice was it?.”., piggy in question “but nan HAS got a moustache/grandpa HASNT got shiny teeth” etc etc. Even pulling that face that most parents are familiar with doesn’t work…you know the one where you are screaming “please be quiet!!” without saying a word?? the piggies would then ask “why are you pulling that face at me mum…mum…mum..are you cross with me??? why are you cross mum….” and so on and so forth.
I have to pretend that I am oblivious to what is happening around me…nightmare. (it is a bit amusing sometimes though! )
The plot thickens. I spoke to my Mum today about my biological father and his family. I had to do it in a round about kind of way so as to be all subtle and stealthlike. I don’t think she would be very impressed if she knew that I am on a quest to find out who my half brother is. But I am. Anyway..she was quite forthcoming with what she could remember. I knew that I have aforementioned half brother. I now know that I have a younger half brother and sister. Biological father was married three times. I also found out where biological uncle lived. Through a series of cunning moves, me and Pippy this very afternoon have managed to track him down on friends reunited. I have sent him a message. I hope he sends one back. I hate waiting, but thats all I can do. In terms of my quest, this is a major breakthrough and therefore most exciting.
I just want to know about them really.
I went to the doctors today. The one I saw is my very favourite doctor. Shes very warm and lovely, unlike some I have seen in the past. She told me that with regards to my poorly head, they are definitely cyclical in nature and therefore, I have 2 options.
Option number one is to have the implant thingy that lasts for 3 years. So as to fool my body into stopping with its hormone tomfoolery. Option number two involves another type of implant that chemically induces the menopause. This would be to measure the effects with a view to a hysterectomy. We agreed that at 32 years old, this would be rather drastic. I think we are decided that at the moment there will be no more piggies. I have been really blessed with my boys, and am more than happy with the family I have. I think though that if the option wasn’t there to change my mind, I wouldn’t like it at all. We havent said definitely not, just probably not.
Me and Rumple watched Click last night. Watching films with Rumple is one of my favourite things to do. Seeing as I picked the last film (Cloverfield), Rumple picked this one. Adam Sandler is in it. I didn’t hold out much hope cause I have to be in the right mood to watch a comedy. But it was really good. Adam Sandler’s character gets hold of this remote control thing that can pause/fast forward/rewind etc parts of his life. It is a film with a bit of a moral lesson in it. I liked it.
I phoned up my next placement area today. It’s the second phase of this last placement, working with the older adults CMHT. The lady I spoke to sounds really nice. I am looking forward to it. I would prefer to be wearing my uniform cause then I don’t have the hoooody doooody of deciding what to wear each day. I also prefer shifts to 9 to 5. But aside from that, I think it will be good.
I am going to visit Miss.P and the twelfth fairy tomorrow night. That too will be much fun. I haven’t seen them for ages. I struggle to have any kind of social life at the minute what with piggy stuff, uni and work. I don’t mind though. I think I did my fair share of socialising in my early twenties. Mainly involving lots of beer and me falling over etc. I am far more sensible these days
I was watching Richard and Judy the other night. I like Richard and Judy. I wonder why she trembles so. Anyway, there was this bloke on there talking about the stone age diet. His argument was that the human body is not designed to digest the sheer volume of refined carbs that most of us eat. Fair enough I thought. He then said that eating a diet similar to that of our very early ancestors leads to weight loss, improved digestion etc etc and blah blah.
I have done possibly every diet known to man, and I am also quite gullible when it comes to this kind of thing. I am still however, 2 stone over my ideal weight, and struggling to squeeze into the denims. I have put on weight since I started Uni and then working nights doesnt help either cause I eat when I am supposed to be asleep and the stuff I eat is generally junk..pasties, crisps and werthers originals (which are fantastic I have to say).
I thought I would give this diet a little whirl. It means that I eat meats, fish, fruit, veg, nuts and seeds. No bread, sugar, pasta (or werthers).I have lost 6 pounds so far. In a week!!! Coolio!
I tried the Atkins diet a couple of years ago. That worked as a quick fix, but seeing as it meant eating lots of fat, no fruit and little veg..I can’t see as it was that healthy really. I was put off when I read that Dr.Atkins died of something nasty, weighing about 900 stone. This diet is kind of similar, but combines low carb with low GI I think.
Like I say though, I am most gullible when it comes to weight loss. If somebody told me that eating bark chippings and pigs eyes would guarantee that I get back into those skinny jeans, then I would probably do it.I will carry on with it though and see what happens. Watch this space!
I spoke to big piggy yesterday. I though he would be coming home but he wanted to stay at his dads again. He told me all about how fantastic the wedding was and how beautiful his new step mum looked in her wedding dress. I asked if he wanted to come out with us today because we’re taking the piggies out for the day. He said he didn’t. On the outside, i said that was fine and i’m glad he was having a lovely time etc etc, but on the inside, I felt a bit sad.
When we do things and he’s not around, it feels like there is a big part of our family missing. Well there is. It feels weird.
Normally, when he is at Mr Trolls, it doesnt bother me too much. He has been going at the weekend for about 9 or so years now. We split up when he was just over 1. I think its the fact that he now has a new step mum, and if I’m honest, I’m worried about being replaced. Silly really. She is just going to be the same as shes always been. No change there, but now her and mr troll and big piggy all have the same surname, and me, rumple and the other two piggies have a different one. It makes it more like 2 seperate family units. I don’t like it.
I know I have the much better deal. Big piggy has never spent Christmas morning with the trolls for example. That must be horrid for mr troll. It has always been assumed that big piggy will want to be here to open his pressies with his brothers etc. As he gets older though, he might make different choices and I have to respect that and support him. The trolls have been trying for a baby for a while. I assume now that they are married, they will be definitely looking at starting a family. i think thats what Mrs Troll wants to do. I am dreading it.
I would never say this much to big piggy, but i have a feeling that if/when they do have a baby, he is going to want to spend far more time there. I don’t like the fact that they will be giving him siblings. That a new baby would probably look like big piggy but be nothing to do with me. I know I am probably being irrational. My family is so important to me though. I am a bit like a hen with chicks and I can’t help thinking that the older big piggy gets, the more we are going to lose him. This is all hypothetical stuff at the moment but seeing as I am a worry wart, I have considered it much.
Big piggy decided about 2 years ago that he wanted to live at his dads and visit us at weekends. It was dreadful, but like I say, I had to respect his wishes. He even asked his dad, who told him that although he would love to have piggy there, his home was here with me and rumple and his brothers.
I was at work last night. Because I do the shift on my own, when the flower fairies are settled, I have lots of time to think. So I did. The lady that was doing the sleep in and I had been chatting before she went across to bed. Her brother is being treated for cancer. We talked about it quite a bit. Thats what got me thinking.
I reckon I have spent a disproportionate amount of my life thinking about death. For several reasons. Firstly, when I was poorly and suicidal, I used to think about death quite a lot. About what it would be like. I suppose thats a quintessential aspect of suicidal ideation. When I was poorly aswell, I had a huge fear of losing my children. It’s still my biggest fear, but when I was ill, the fear was massive and irrational and took my breath away some days. When I was feeling a bit better and at the point that I became a God squadder, I thought about death then too. being a God squadder means that you do think about the afterlife and adopt a certain view as to what that will be like.
Death still freaks me out. Me and Rumple were talking recently about what it must be like to receive the news that you had a serious life threatening disease. Such as cancer. I was saying to him that cancer was very unfair. In life, if something happens that you feel to be unjust, in most instances, you have the option to appeal to somebody or something. To plead your case as to why this hsouldn’t be happening to you. With stuff like cancer though, there is no right of appeal…ie “Dear Sir/Madam, regarding my recent diagnosis of cancer, I feel that you should examine my case again as it appears to be extremely unjust. I have 3 small children, a husband, am the third of the way through training to be a nurse and feel that it is wholly unfair that I should be in receipt of this diagnosis. Would you please consider reassessing my case”.
If only people could do that.
Reading this post through, I realise that it is a bit odd sounding and actually sounds like I am feeling really down. I’m not…not atall…I think that I just think too much.
Whilst I’m on the subject of “stuff”. Biggest piggies Dad (i’m a troll, foll-de-roll) got married yesterday. That made me feel a bit weird. I didn’t expect it to. They have been together for 9 years or so. It makes no difference to my life whether they are married or not. I think the thing that makes me feel weird about it is that now Mrs troll is my sons step mother. Their relationship will remain the same I imagine. Big piggie isn’t her biggest fan, but gets on with her okay. I know that she won’t act any differently being his step mother. It just feels odd. I can’t really explain it, so I won’t witter on in an attempt to do so.
Anyway, if you have reached the end of this rather sombre post, then well done! I will be back to posting about nonsensical topics very shortly
I had another migraine this morning. They are really beginning to piss me off! My Dad bought round some very good painkillers though which seems to have tamed the beast. I had a look through my previous posts earlier and realised that I spend a lot of time moaning about tiredness/physical illness. Maybe tiredness=physical illness. Anyway..
When I perked up a little this afternoon, I spent a bit of time loafing on the sofa like a slug and then reading lots of peoples blogs. I have added loads to my blogroll. They’re all really good. You can learn loads by reading peoples blogs. Especially for me, seeing as most of them are mental health related in some form or another. I think that maybe I am a bit of a saddo seeing I spend lots of my spare time reading books/journals/blogs/other things about mental illness. There seems to be no seperation between my uni/future career and my “hobby” time. It seems to have consumed me. Thats fine though because I find everything so interesting. It’s funny the things that stick in your mind when you are writing essays and what not though, stuff that you might have read on somebody’s blog or a little piece in a journal.
I realised quite quickly into the course that becoming a nurse is not really a career choice, it’s a lifestyle choice. For example, if you were an accountant then you would not, i assume, feel the need to become involved in someones finances, should they be working out their incomings/outgoings whilst sitting next to you on the train. However, as a nurse, if somebody collapsed next to you, you would get involved. I think it would be second nature and also the Jedi Council says that you have to, cause if they find out you didn’t then they will be mighty cross and strike you down Obi-Wan off . Even as a student, you are to try and assist to the best of your means. Therefore, you are never really off duty.
Signing up for this course is probably the best thing I ever did. Not including marrying Rumple and having the piggies of course. It’s hard, finance wise, time wise and sometimes physcially and emotionally. Sometimes I feel like the shittest mum in the world when I am grumpy and snappy with the piggies, and I feel really guilty. Some days though, those guys would test the patience of Job. Like when they come in from the garden, absolutely bogging and trail mud through the house before putting their feet up on the sofa. This generally happens when I have had a cleaning spree. When I was unimpressed by this just recently, middle piggy replied “every child has the right to get dirty Mum, every child has the right to be a child”. DAMN YOU PERSIL !
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